9:03, people.
9:03. Can we start the morning meeting?
So we all bust our asses dragging in clothes.
For your boyfriend's homeless drive,
and he can't be bothered to show up on time? What did you bring?
I like my clothes.
I thought you were trying to be a better person.
Well, not every minute of the day.
Thank you. Thank you. Sorry, guys.
A pipe burst at St. jude's orphanage.
This morning.
Oh, and he can't put down a kid and pick up a phone?
Wow! What a response, everyone!
It looks like everybody came through.
Well, almost everybody.
Here you go, Alonzo.
Thanks, Ben.
Ah, yeah. Just a few things I can live without.
That's weird. What's with all the women's clothing?
Something you wanna tell everybody, Jer?
My wife died.
Oh, God. I'm... I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
You were at the funeral.
They were my high school English teacher's.
(Inhales deeply)
(Sighs)
(Whispers) They still smell like him.
Ah. All right, everybody.
"Smurfs on ice" are here this week,
so those of you with families... Again, sorry, Jerry...
Bring 'em on in, and they can take pictures.
With the characters. Good morning, everyone. I just have a quick announcement.
While the smurfs are here, they are our guests.
We will treat them with professionalism and respect.
Let's not sink to their level.
(Snaps fingers)
Take from that what you will. Let's get back to work.
And I need budgets from all of the department heads.
By the end of the week. I'm on it.
Great.
Uh...
What was that?
The smurfs is a crap event, Benjamin.
The legends of tuba were here last night. What's going on?
I have smurf history. Let's just leave it at that.
Why is there garbage all over the office?
It's, uh, clothing for the homeless.
My, God, Benjamin, they're people.
You can't make them wear garbage for your own amusement.
Why wasn't Roman at the morning meeting? Where's my son? I don't know.
I'm trying to connect with him, but it's like he's a stranger.
If I'd only had the chance to get to know him.
When he was growing up. Well, you lived together for 20 years.
The moment never seemed right.
Okay, I'd love to help you out, but I've got my hands full...
Hey. Didn't I give you the job of looking after him?
You tried to, but then I reminded you.
That I'm the manager of a $100-million civic arena,
not your personal babysitter.
Find him. Okay.
What do you have for me, boss?
Nothing.
You're only supposed to be here for sports.
Got it. I'll troubleshoot.
(Men) ♪ Mr. Sunshine ♪
♪ yay ♪
Oh.
Have you seen ro... What are you doing?
(Groans) Alonzo really gave me a workout this morning.
Everything hurts.
La, la, la, la, la.
Jogging, dummy. Although, he does bring the thunder.
La, la. Alice. Oh, hey, Ben.
Hey. Thanks again for the culottes, gangster.
That poor woman died, Alonzo.
I was at the funeral. Very sad, apparently.
So what time are you coming home tonight?
I don't know. I was going to, uh... oh, you're talking to her. Mm-hmm.
I-I have to work through dinner.
Oh, that's okay. I'll bring a little dinner to you.
What?
You. You're amazing.
Okay, we're on for dinner. I'll bring dessert.
Well, you always do. (Chuckles) (Giggles)
Nifty. What a nifty plan.
(Sighs)
Oh.
I'll recycle these for you.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, I was gonna do it myself,
but the recycling bin is so far down... I suck.
Ever since I moved in with him, I'm afraid to be myself.
Do you know how hard it is.
Living with the world's most perfect man?
Well, you had your chance with adorably flawed.
I'm talking about myself. Yeah, well, we were together for six months,
and we never talked about anything,
you never let me spend the night, and the only name.
You ever screamed out during sex was your own, so... These are all adorable things.
I lead a great life. You know what I am? An island. An island.
Oh, I've said that to you before?
I thought you said we never talked.
Okay, well, I'm off to find a large man-child.
Who thinks the sun and the moon are married.
(Sighs)
E.T.?
(Snores)
(Door slams)
No, Scooby!
Hi.
Hi. Are you living in the candy room?
(Laughs)
That's crazy.
Why is there a hot plate over there?
I don't know.
Why is there anything anywhere?
(Pipe rumbles and hisses) Oh, God!
Yeah, that happens, like, every 30 seconds.
Which, it's kind of a bummer, you know?
Can I ask you... Are you eating your own pillow?
Yeah! (Laughs)
(Chuckles) Yeah.
(Sighs)
Did you know that your son.
Is living in the candy room?
Oh, thank God. You found him.
He likes candy.
(Chuckles) This is nice.
Well, he can't live in there. It's a huge liability issue.
Why isn't he living with you? Well, first of all, I don't have a candy room.
Our relationship is very complex.
The last time I tried to talk to him,
he got very angry and ran off to military school.
You mean you sent him to military school. Well, it's not like I physically forced him to.
I had the driver do it. I see.
And I want to get close...
(Whispering) But I'm terrified of screwing it up.
This has to be handled very delicately.
(Normal voice) Where are you going? Hey.
Where are you going?
I'll call you.
We have a perfectly good room for you people,
stocked with water and raisins,
and it's that way, my furry friend.
You better slink away...
You big piece of blue vomit. Would you take it easy on the smurfs?
(Sighs deeply) They make us a fortune.
Let's get back to talking about Roman. They're everywhere... first on tv, now on ice.
Damn it. (Whispers) They're talented.
Maybe you're right to take it slow with Roman.
I live alone, and I like it that way.
I don't even let women I sleep with stay over,
and they're way hotter than you are... most of 'em.
You can stay with me for two days, and that's it.
Yes!
(Chuckles)
I brought dessert.
(Candy bars thud)
Oh, my God. This is amazing.
How did you do all of this?
Well, I had a little help.
If you guys want a soufflé, I need to know now.
We're good. Thanks.
(Crackling) Enjoy.
(Romantic instrumental music playing)
(Knock on door)
(Whispers) Hey.
(Normal voice) Can I spend the night in here with you?
Hmm.
No.
But you won't even know I'm in here...
Except for the humming...
And a little sweating.
Roman, you can't spend the night in here.
You're a grown man, and you're also a man.
So for the last time, go sleep on the couch.
I hear ya.
I do. It's just, I know myself,
and sleeping alone in a new place...
It's gonna trigger my night terrors.
How do I put this? How do I convey to you...
Get out.
Ben? Get out.
(Whimpers)
Aah!
Ah.
(Screaming)
What, uh...
Are you doing?
I'm lurking. Well, you're not doing a very good job.
I spotted you right away. Benjamin, one of these little blue freaks scratched my car.
Or used my coffee cup, and I can't find my favorite pen.
It's exactly what I feared. We're in their world now.
Yeah. If you don't mind, I'm gonna play through.
We have to talk about Roman. Okay, just don't look directly at me.
Okay. How did your sleepover go?
Not well. Don't be cryptic. How did it go?
Not well. You see? Was that so hard to say?
I think Roman needs to be with family,
you know, someone he's close to... shh.
Benjamin, after the death of Maurice Cohen,
my fifth husband,
I ended up chasing the bitch goddess success...
I'm afraid, at the expense of a husky little boy...
(Sighs) With a husky little heart.
(Exhales) You know what, Benjamin?
I don't wanna talk about Roman anymore,
especially not this week.
Would you excuse me a moment?
Yeah.
(Grunts) (Thud)
I've got a message for you and all your little smurf friends (Punch thuds)
So, uh, we'll talk about this later?
(Grunts) Yeah. Okay.
(Grunts)
Okay.
(Punch thuds)
Okay, I just wanna say... (Man) Gracias.
I know I'm not perfect. I eat candy bars in bed. Gracias.
I never vote or floss.
I don't wanna put a string between my teeth, okay?
I just don't. And I... (Man) Muchas gracias.
Are you giving blood... (Woman) Thank you very much.
In the middle of your homeless drive... (Man) Muchísimas gracias.
While learning Spanish? Muchísimas gracias.
Acierto.
Mira, bonita... (Turns stereo off)
Being in a new relationship isn't easy,
but the bubble man comes twice a night.
Then it is officially bubble time.
What?
How much blood have you given?
I always give half a pint more than they say is safe.
But I will be fine.
Just as soon as I have some of this... orange juice.
Unless you want it.
No. But that... that is so nice of you.
Oh, my God. I have to get out of here.
Is that you, bubble man?
Roman?
Remember, our "don't touch my things
"when you have maple syrup on your hands,
and you always have maple syrup on your hands" rule?
Sorry.
Oh!
You have an amazing game system.
Yeah. My sister got me that so I'd play with my nephew,
but he's 4 and boring.
Man, I-I hate the budget.
This is the worst part of my job. I hate it.
Hey, if I help you finish, can we play a video game?
This is complicated. It's not just revenue.
This is fixed assets and nonoperating income.
And marketing budgets and...
Roman, what are you... Roman... (Grunts)
What are you doing?
Roman, this is important. Stop it. No, no. Wait.
No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What are you... What are you doing?
I'm done.
Can we play a video game?
What are you, some kind of a math savant.
Or an idiot or whatever that is?
Uh, I did spend a summer in Europe.
I see.
Well, you've earned it. Are any of these any good? Yeah, this one's awesome.
Maple syrup. Maple... Sorry.
(Bell tinkling, beeping)
I like yoshi. I like him, and he can.
Really round the curves on donkey Kong Mountain.
Yeah, but he's a joke on peach beach. Totally.
Yes! (Groans)
Yes!
Hey, you ever played cup hands?
No. Let's play cup hands!
Cup left! (Grunts) Got it.
Nice grab. Yeah! Cup right.
Got it. Cup heads.
Oh! Got it! Cup right!
(Lamp shatters)
Oh, man. Oh, God.
What are we gonna do? We're gonna be in so much trouble.
Wait. That's my lamp.
Okay, uh, truth or dare?
(Inhales deeply) Truth.
You say "truth" every time.
Ohh! Just... I'm afraid of the dare.
I want to bond so bad. I'm just so afraid of that dare.
Yeah. Okay, truth... what is your deepest, darkest fear?
And don't say "jell-o" again.
Hmm.
I'm afraid I'll never get close to my mom.
Oh.
Well, I'm not promising anything,
but maybe I could...
Help you out with that.
Really?
You'd do that for me?
Yeah.
Thanks, man.
(Lamp shatters) What the hell are you doing?!
I thought that was our thing.
I need to talk to you about Roman.
I can't. I got a report.
That a smurf was snooping around the boiler room.
It doesn't smell right.
I tell you, it just doesn't smell right. (Mouths word)
And it's all coming together.
There you are. Hey, I'm having a little... I can't pretend to listen.
To your problems right now. We have to talk about me.
What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong. Something's happening to me.
Roman is very sad about his mother, and that makes me sad.
Crystal is very, very upset about a little blue person.
That makes me upset. It's just occurring to me now,
I'm actually curious how your night went with Alonzo.
What the hell's happening to me?
You're becoming an actual human being.
Well, I don't like it.
(Bag rustles)
Hey! We started the giveaway downstairs.
We got a great turnout. Awesome.
Can you believe I wore this crap?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. The '80s was a cruel decade.
(Laughs)
You okay?
Yeah, I'm... I'm fine.
Did I... Do something wrong?
No, no. It's... it's nothing you did.
You're... you're perfect. Go on. Go... go save the world.
Oh, my God.
When did you ever wear that?
At my wedding.
You... you told me you were never married.
Uh...
Yeah.
Ben, I just got a message from papa smurf.
He says that they are smurfing the show tonight.
Okay.
Wait. What does that mean?
It's their cute way of saying that they're canceling.
Because you're in smurf of contract,
which means "breach of contract."
See how they do that? Yes, I'm following it.
Crystal won't let them take the ice for practice.
The show is packing up their stuff right now. Well, I gotta go down there.
We can't afford to lose a night of revenues,
not to mention disappointing all the little kids.
And the creepy adults that show up on their own.
Ben, if it helps...
There are things that we can do to smurfs...
Untraceable things.
We are so smurfed.
It's important to stay calm at a moment like this.
(Crystal) Skate. Skate. No, you look like a size 6. What the hell?!
What the hell?! What the hell?!
Oh. Alonzo's clothing drive gave me an idea.
What's the best clothing? Shoes.
What's the best type of shoes? Skates.
So we're having a homeless skate.
That's the next logical step.
What, you never hear of a homeless skate? No, I haven't, and I'll tell you why...
'Cause they don't exist.
Um, is there any food?
No, but skate like the wind, my friend that has no home.
I know that something is going on.
With you and Roman and ice and smurfs.
I have not connected the dots yet,
but I'm going around and around in my head.
And coming up with some pretty dark scenarios.
What I do know is, something is bothering you.
So why don't you just tell me?
And then maybe I could help you, because I do that now.
This is gonna sound crazy... I know that already.
But Roman is the reason why I have this...
This animosity toward the smurfs.
And I don't know if you wanna call it irrational... I do.
But I know where it came from.
You see, years ago,
I had a promising career as an ice dancer...
A featured dancer in "smurfs on ice."
And I was good, Ben. I was really good.
And then... Life got in the way.
I got pregnant with Roman,
and, um,
I had to leave the show.
And after that, I, uh...
I... (Scoffs)
(Voice breaks) Never really succeeded.
As an ice dancer or a mother.
(Crying)
Oh. Don't...
(Continues crying)
You still have a chance.
To do something right about one of those things now.
Tore my a.C.L.
I can't ever skate at a professional level again.
(Gasps) Roman.
Mm.
I guess you're right.
(Chuckles)
Roman?
It's mama.
Ben, Alonzo just told me.
He has an ex-wife that he lied to me about.
He... he said it was a-a bad marriage.
And so he was ashamed to tell me. Oh, God. Al, I'm so sorry.
He lied to me, Ben.
Isn't that great?
He's not perfect. He's a big fat liar! Oh!
You go, girl!
I hope I never say that again.
(Chuckles) Hey, would you look at that?
Ben, Roman and I have had a nice talk,
and I've asked him to move in with me.
Hey, that's great.
Yeah, but I said no because this is too important,
and I don't want to move too quickly. So I told him he was free to stay with you.
If that's okay with me. What?
If that's okay with me. I don't understand what you're saying.
If that's okay with me.
Okay, you're just not making any sense. I havwowork to do.
Bye.
Listen, I-I-I-I-I gotta go...
Talk the smurfs into coming back and doing a show,
so we'll...
Hey, wait. Uh, what about us?
(Whispers) I don't wanna...
(Normal voice) I want to... I like to... I want to live alone, Roman.
Yeah! So do I.
Let's live alone together.
(Whispers) I don't want...
(Normal voice) You can stay two more days.
Yes! Okay.
Yeah! (Laughs) Okay. When does this end?
Yeah! (Laughs) Okay, couple of new ground rules, though...
No nudity... Uh-huh.
No sleeping in my bed, no nudity,
and really, no nudity.
Ah. I'll try.
That's the best I can do.
Okay.
Okay. Thanks. Come here!
Ha ha!
I got a home!
Oh, no!
I am sorry.
I'm sorry.
Great show tonight.
And I really appreciate you doing this.
Whew.
If Roman is going to stay with you,
he has some demands of his own... Pajama Fridays,
exclusive use of the bath between 7:00 to 9:00.
For nonbathing purposes,
and one ninja attack a day, without warning.
Well, no to all of those.
And why didn't he tell me himself?
I didn't want it to get weird between us. Mm.
Sync and corrections by GeirDM for www.addic7ed.com